Stop the apostrophe madness (Christmas Edition)
Each December, my mailbox fills with cheerful envelopes, smiling families in matching pajamas, and glossy Christmas letters that definitely took someone three cups of eggnog to write.
And then … the apostrophe apocalypse hits.
“Merry Christmas from the Oakley’s!”
“Love, the Taylor’s”
The Oakley’s what?
The Taylor’s who?
Why are these poor apostrophes cramming themselves into people’s holiday greetings?
Bless those senders. I know they meant well. I know they’re spreading joy – a mission that’s especially challenging (but much needed) in this jam-packed holiday season. But I’m a lifelong copy editor (no, really), and these little marks still make me itchy like your dad in his ugly reindeer sweater.
At least he can take off the sweater after the party.
So today, in the spirit of peace on earth and goodwill toward copy editors the world over, let’s gently unwrap the truth about family names on Christmas cards.
Why this keeps happening
Somewhere along the line, humans collectively decided that adding an apostrophe makes a last name look fancier – like it’s wearing a little plaid holiday bow tie.
But the real villain?
Autocorrect (dishonorable mention: spellcheck).
Autocorrect has one job and still manages to butcher:
- Names
- Holidays
- Normal words
- Occasionally, our dignity
Type “Oakleys,” and autocorrect confidently replies:
“Oh! You meant Oakley’s, you cotton-headed ninnymuggins. Allow me to fix that for you.”
No, autocorrect. No.
I. Did. Not. Mean. Oakley’s.
Some programmer somewhere – after an evil elf spiked his personal-size jar of maple syrup – decided that last names should be treated as possessives when pluralized, and the drunken programmer’s choice is now wreaking havoc on the Christmas peace of copy editors around the globe.
But this is one December disaster we can fix. (You’re welcome.)
The quick-and-jolly rule
If you’re signing a card on behalf of your whole family, you’re not showing possession.
– You’re not labeling something that belongs to you.
– You’re not announcing ownership of Christmas.
– You’re simply making your last name plural.
Plural = add s or es – no apostrophe needed.
A few examples featuring my people:
- The Oakley family → the Oakleys
- The Taylor family → the Taylors
A few more common ones:
- The Smith family → the Smiths
- The Jones family → the Joneses
- The Church family → the Churches
If you think “Joneses” looks weird… you’re right: English is chaos.
But it’s correct chaos.
And just when you think you’ve got the plural rule down, December throws you a snowball …
To Jone’s or not to Jone’s – that is the question
Every Christmas, inevitably, someone writes:
“Merry Christmas from the Jone’s.”
Listen … I don’t want to judge.
I don’t want to point fingers.
I don’t want to throw fruitcake. (It might hurt you – unless it’s my mom’s.)
But here’s the thing:
“Jone’s” is not a real thing.
It has never been a real thing.
It will never be a real thing.
If the family name is Jones, then your options are:
- Plural family: the Joneses
- Plural possessive family: the Joneses’
- One single Jones owning something: Jones’s house (yes, the extra s is allowed and often preferred, depending on which style guide you follow)
But Jone’s?
That tiny apostrophe makes it look like the mysterious, singular person named Jone owns something.
And I don’t know Jone.
You don’t know Jone.
Nobody knows Jone. (If you do, leave a comment, and I’ll eat my elf hat.)
Jone is not in the family photo. He’s not on the front of the card. He’s not peeking out from behind the Christmas tree. But autocorrect and confusion keep inserting him.
Let Jone rest. He’s been through enough.
When you should use an apostrophe
Use an apostrophe only when something actually belongs to the family.
- The Taylors’ house
- The Oakleys’ dog
- The Harrises’ Christmas tree
- The Huckabees’ grandchildren
- The Millers’ fruitcake (I’m so sorry if you’ve been subjected to it – if the Millers didn’t use my mom’s yummy recipe, you don’t want it)
Simple test: If you can add the word house, car, or dog after the name, you’re in apostrophe land.
If you’re simply signing your card?
You’re still in apostrophe land – but in the sketchy part, where the Thanksgiving turkey carcasses go to rot. Better head back to the land of swirly twirly gumdrops before things get out of hand.
A gentle holiday plea
I’m not here to shame anyone. (After all, the T-shirt my BFF author friend gave me one Christmas says, “I’m Silently Correcting Your Grammar” – emphasis on silently. She also sent me homemade fudge, so we’re definitely friends for life.)
The Oakleys love everyone, even the apostrophe abusers. 😘 (Did you know that Bruce and I met as copy editors? I’ll tell you that story someday.)
We just want your cards to sparkle in all the right ways, without raising questions such as:
- “The Taylor’s what wishes me a Merry Christmas?”
- “Is ‘the Oakley’ a new alien species? A new dance move? Should we send help? Do I need to grab the Icy Hot?”
- “Why is this apostrophe yelling at me?”
So, as you send out those beautiful greeting cards this year, remember: Friends don’t let friends abuse apostrophes.
And plural families don’t need apostrophes – ever.
This is one tiny gift you can give to grammaristas everywhere. (Trust me: It brings more joy than you’d imagine.)
Punch punctuation fear in the face
If you ever forget the rule, just remember this:
Copy editors have enough to stress out about over the holidays (such as: working over the holidays). Let’s not give them more reason to spike the eggnog.
Give the rogue apostrophes (and editors) a rest.
And may all your Christmas cards be right.
Bonus: a simple chart you can screenshot
Go ahead. Screenshot it. Tape it to your fridge. Tattoo it on your forearm (okay, maybe not).
P.S. I totally love receiving Christmas cards and letters. If you regularly send one to the Oakleys (see what I did there?), keep ’em comin’. No shame if they have unfortunate punctuation; I’ll never tell.
