To give or not to give; it’s OK if the answer is no

One Christmas many years ago, money was tight – I mean, really tight – and I decided to make my family’s gifts rather than buy them.

For one niece, I made a wall hanging out of some of my dad’s old bluejeans and other fabrics (special memories, for sure, as we had lost him a few Christmases earlier). I also used some fabrics left over from old sewing and crafting projects and a few store-bought accessories (such as an iron-on patch with her first initial, plus a bit of matching ricrac).

For her older sister, I made another project, the specifics of which escape me. (Sorry, M.)

And for their friend who hung around their house all the time, I bought some cute fleece, then I cut slits around the perimeter and knotted them for a fun, no-sew throw blanket. (I’ll never forget her expression when she unwrapped the package; I had put it in a box that a DVD player had come in, and, boy, howdy, she thought she had a new DVD player! I think she was 7 at the time. I smile every time I think about it.)

I gave my sister-in-law a mitten-shaped pillow I had made with store-bought fabric in winter colors and (I think) more of the denim from Dad’s jeans.

Don’t ask me to remember more than that; it was more than 20 years ago. 

These days, we don’t exchange gifts, and that’s OK – we’re all good with it.

Every family has to decide, using a variety of factors (budget being a biggy, but also time, stress, energy, and priorities), whether to continue giving gifts. The decision is usually trickier when it’s family, but even work situations can come with a sense of obligation that’s not easy to ignore.

But here’s the thing: No one says you must give a gift – at Christmastime or for any other occasion. After all, my mission with this website is to help you make these decisions, shop for gifts if you choose to, make them if you prefer, and remember that Jesus is the Greatest Gift.

To give or not to give – the decision can be complicated, but I want to help you uncomplicate it. I take my cues from a variety of sources, including:

The Bible. “The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender.” If you’re going into debt to buy gifts, you’re a slave.
The Grinch. “Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” Mr. Grinch had to learn this lesson the hard way, but he learned it.
Buddy the Elf. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!” Can’t put a price tag on that. 

Whether it’s because funds are low or you struggle with the energy to buy gifts (even with online shopping), I’ve been where you are.

The first step is to free yourself from expectations. Certainly you’re not beholden to others’ expectations, but what if those expectations are yours?

The meaning of Christmas and other holidays can sometimes get lost in the hustle and bustle of the season.

So if Mom says “I don’t need anything,” listen to her! Ask yourself if you’re adding to her clutter to make yourself feel better. And keep in mind that the more trinkets, jewelry, and scented candles you give Mom now, the more you’ll have to sort through when she’s not around.

Just sayin’.

If your mom “needs” something, it’s your love and attention. What better gift?

Here’s the thing: Retailers love it when we spend our hard-earned money on things no one really needs. Think about Black Friday – it started because merchants needed their balance sheets to come out of the “red” – or a deficit – and into the “black.” It grew from there until it became an event.

But ask yourself who really, truly benefits from Black Friday. Be not deceived: It’s not the buyers, but the sellers – especially if you’re buying out of a sense of obligation or social pressure.

Here are some ways to avoid the guilt and pressure when it comes to gift giving:

Reframe your thinking. No one is forcing you to buy – no, not even your kids, and especially not the advertisers who stand to make money. My husband and I have a rebellious attitude toward made-up “holidays” such as Valentine’s Day. Does anyone really celebrate St. Valentine or even know who he was? #FakeHoliday
Reflect on the deeper meaning of the holidays (or other gift-giving occasion), focusing on togetherness and love rather than material items.
Check your motives. The Bible tells us that God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7). He doesn’t want us to give to Him out of a sense of obligation but of love. If we’re giving to our people simply out of obligation, how much love are we truly demonstrating?
Choose your recipients wisely. It’s perfectly OK to decide that a certain person or occasion doesn’t warrant a gift. (Scroll to the end for some posts to help with that. And if you’re a subscriber to my newsletter, you get my free Gift-Giving Decision Guide to help you work through the decision.)
Opt for an experience over wrapped boxes. Maybe it’s not money that’s the hangup but the stress of shopping, wrapping, and presenting. (Not Martha Stewart? Check.). In that case, consider treating the family to lunch or dinner out during the season, if not the actual day. This eases the pressure to buy ingredients, cook, and clean up (not to mention cleaning your house ahead of the guest rush).
Give the gift of presence, not presents. Maybe Mom just wants you to be there – no boxes and bows needed, no mess to clean up. (Unless you’re offering housekeeping as a service.)
Go handmade. Consider DIY crafts or a card. That shows how much you really care.
Be comfy with bucking the trend. Hubby and I don’t give unless it’s a milestone birthday or other occasion. Once we made that decision, it was completely freeing.
Have the talk. If your family balks at your decision not to exchange gifts, explain your reasons; they might surprise you and be relieved!

Bottom line: Don’t let expectations force you to do something that’s not in your and your loved ones’ best interests. If you need a friend for moral support, contact me here.

For an extra dose of encouragement, check out these blog posts (or simply browse the website):